Bereavement eCards

So I was at one of those eCard websites putting together an eCard for my friend's birthday and I noticed they had a section for bereavement eCards. I thought that was the silliest thing.

What is the thought process behind deciding to send a bereavement eCard? "I really feel bad for Joe and his family, and I want them to know how bad I feel, but I don't want to spend three dollars on a card. I know it makes me look cheap, but heck, three dollars is three dollars!"

They had a premium section and a free section. I'm guessing the free section is the only one that gets used.

Hey, if you're the artist or photographer, are you bummed out when you learn your work is only going to be used for the free section? Or do you try to find a silver lining and think of it as a way to pay your dues in the tough, political world of bereavement eCard artistry?

All I ask is that you think about it.

-TW

Return to Sender

Well, I'm having kind of a hard day today. About a month ago, I sent a letter to Her and I just got it back in the mail today, unopened, marked return to sender. Let me catch you up a little...

It was the summer of 91. I was living in Dallas. I had a friend who owned this big iron kettle and we'd travel through Texas selling kettle corn at various events (sporting events, the State Fair, etc). Nolan Ryan used to buy kettle corn from us and give it out as Christmas gifts. Anyways, I was at a Morrissey concert. It was near the end of the show and everyone started invading the stage. If you don't know of Morrissey, he used to be the lead singer for the Smiths. A band from Manchester. Back in the day, rushing the stage and touching the Mozzer was the thing to do. But at this show, the crowd got so out of control, they had to end the show early. We scared him off the stage. It was pretty awesome. I was probably one of the first fifty or so to make it up on stage. I peaked backstage and saw Morrissey talking to his guitarist Boz Boorer. I tried to get to them, but I tripped and Boz kneed me in the mouth and knocked out two of my teeth. I don't really blame him. It was an accident. Plus, I may have gotten a little rough with Boz when I tried to take his shirt from him -- that's when I tripped. Anyways, I was looking for my teeth and bleeding pretty badly when I heard the sweetest voice I had ever heard. She said, "Is this yours?" I looked up and it was Her... Margot. She was, and still is, the most beautiful, most precious thing I have ever seen. From time to time, I still imagine running my hand through her thick, raven hair. I swear it was like she was hovering above the ground like an angel that night. And in her perfect little hand, she held one of my teeth.

She stayed with me until my mouth stopped bleeding. And afterwards, we went out for coffee. Here's a tip for everyone... hot coffee and raw wounds in your mouth are not a good combination. But, she wanted coffee to sober up for her drive home and I, well, I wanted to be with her. Turns out her family was from Espanola, Ontario. She's Indian. Here's a question for you. I know it's kind of insulting to call Native Americans, Indians. But if they're from Canada, are they called Native Canadians or still Native Americans? I never know so I just say Indian.

Anyways, she had recognized me from the Terry Waters Undercover show. We had a good laugh about that. We had a lot of laughs for the two years that we were side by side. It's funny how time works. Some things I don't remember at all. Other things I remember like they were yesterday. That may simply be the effects of time, or that may be the effects of twenty years of heavy drugs. Either way, I have gaps. One of the things I do remember is this little wooden canoe that she gave me. I think it was made out of birch or something. But it had this very distinct smell. Kind of a sweet smell. Maybe it was the birchwood. I have no idea.

Flash forward to this past Christmas. I was going through a box of odds and ends and I found that canoe. Crazy as it sounds, it still had the slightest hint of that smell. There was also a card from her. It was signed "Love Always, Margot." I guess "always" isn't as unconditional as you think. Anyways, it got me thinking about her a lot. So, right after Christmas, I decided to write her a letter. I sent it to her parents in Espanola. It was the only way I knew how to reach her. I just wanted to say hi and see where life had taken her. And, well, now it's been returned.

I guess it's possible that her parents are dead and the letter was returned because the people that live there now didn't know what else to do with it. Or it could mean that she didn't want anything to do with me or the letter and so she sent it back. I don't know what to think, but I know how I feel right now. And it isn't too good. But we carry on...

-TW

Some Good News, Some Bad News

Sorry, it's been a while since I've blogged. Been pretty busy. First, the bad news. I was in Los Angeles last week and met a Hollywood producer and "pitched" him my idea about a new series of installments for Terry Waters Undercover. "Pitch" is the term Hollywood uses. I guess it's short for sales pitch. Anyways, the guy said he had never heard of the original Terry Waters: Undercover. I think he just said that to throw me in the interview. I handled it pretty well, but I didn't believe him. But the part I didn't handle so well was when he said I'd need to lose 60-80 pounds before he'd even consider putting me in front of a camera. I wanted to clock him. Instead, I played it cool. Although it's probably closer to 80 lbs now because I was so depressed, I spent this past week curled up with my favorite comfort food... Arbys.



I love the Horsey sauce. Whenever I'm there, I always ask for extra Horsey sauce. I use it to dip my fries in. I've gotten to know the staff at the Arby's near me, and they know how much I like Horsey sauce, so they always throw in a couple extra packets for me. I keep a bunch in the fridge here at home. I don't want to gross anybody out, but sometimes I'll tear open a packet and squirt it straight into my mouth. Maybe I'll go over there after this blog as I got coupons with the paper yesterday. Plus, the woman who works the fries -- Evelyn -- is kind of cute. I think she likes me as she always smiles at me and hits my fries up with one or two extra hits of salt.


Now for some good news. You're probably wondering what I, Terry Waters, was doing in Los Angeles. Well, you're now reading the blog of an official Marathon sod sales rep. Don't worry, while it's a full time job, it isn't going to derail my efforts to do undercover reporting. It's just that things have been slow and I needed the money. And the health insurance. Gotta love America. We have the right to bear arms, but we're the only industrialized country in the world that doesn't give citizens free health insurance. Guns: Yes. Health: No. Isn't that America in a nutshell? I'm not trying to get political. I love the US. I've just gone quite a few years in my life without health insurance and it's a little scary. When I was in Amsterdam, I got into a fight and the dude bit off part of my ear. I went to the hospital and they attached it for free. That wouldn't happen in the US.

Good news is, once the insurance kicks in, I can get this bruise on my thigh looked at. I've had it for about 6 months. It doesn't really hurt. And it hasn't gotten any bigger (it's about the size of a coaster). But it won't go away. I'd like to get it taken care of before the summer. It gets pretty hot here in Blaine and my thigh looks bad -- real bad -- in shorts.

Anyways, back to the sod. There isn't a whole lot of sodding that happens during these winter months, so the company sent me to their headquarters in Los Angeles for a training seminar. I'll be on probation for a month and then I'll get my insurance and a couple of knitted shirts with my name stitched in. I have to put a deposit down on the shirts. In the meantime, I've been setting up "meet and greets" with prospective clients. If you're thinking of getting sod, or know someone who is, send them my way. If nothing else, I'd be happy to answer any of their questions as well as explain the benefits of sod over traditional seeding.

That's it for today. I'm off to Arbys.

-TW